Friday, December 31, 2010

New Years Eve makes me want to find a way back machine

Childhood is the world of miracle or of magic: it is as if creation rose luminously out of the night, all new and fresh and astonishing. Childhood is over the moment things are no longer astonishing. When the world gives you a feeling of "déjà vu," when you are used to existence, you become an adult.

Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies.

There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in.

Childhood, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.
AMBROSE BIERCE, The Devil's Dictionary

Childhood has no necessary connection with age.

The happy childhood is hardly worth your while.
FRANK MCCOURT, Angela's Ashes

[Growing up] is a terribly hard thing to do. It is much easier to skip it and go from one childhood to another.

Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath.
GRENVILLE KLEISER, Dictionary of Proverbs

Thursday, December 30, 2010


I have a "carpe diem" mug and, truthfully, at six in the morning the words do not make me want to seize the day. They make me want to slap a dead poet. ~Joanne Sherman

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

'Moist' people say strange things

This morning I went to GNC to buy vitamin/exercise supplements and protein snacks. I really like these protein snacks called Ostrim (accidental plug), made from ostrich meat. When I rowed in college I lived on the yummy, low-fat ostrich meat jerky and meat sticks. These days I can never find them so when I do happen upon them, I stock up.

Today I lucked out and came across 3 or 4 boxes of them, both sticks (sorta like Slim Jims but not as greasy) and jerky. The guy manning the store, Zack, showed me where they were after selling me on the idea of "stocking up" on the other supplements I was there to buy since there was a sweet sale going on. I'm a sucker for a buy one get one half off deal...this guy was really making the sale with me today.

I'm not sure the dude's name was Zack, but for whatever reason that's the name my fingers named him while texting this post to my email address.

After finally saying no to a box of acai berry chews Zack was trying to 'push' (honestly, I don't think that the hard to pronounce berry really is all THAT), I brought the supplements and the Ostrim to the counter. Zack, an average looking, friendly and sorta stocky but seemingly sweet fella, went around to the cash register. He noticed that I got the sticks and not the jerky and said "yeah I prefer the jerky. The sticks are too moist for me sometimes."

"I like it moist," I said.


As if on cue from some omniscient director standing in the shadows, we both looked down at the counter at the exact same time.

I really don't remember much of anything after laser beaming the counter with my eyes. Somehow, I got my receipt and walked out the door but all I can recall really is sitting in my car thinking to myself, "did I just say, 'I like it moist?' "

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Remove your bra at the door, please

Several weeks ago I went to get an MRI for my left knee. I'd been trying to "run" through the pain, like a good Amazon should...but after a particularly hard run one day I gave in and went to my doctor who subsequently ordered an MRI.

Oddly enough, it was an evening MRI and it seemed that when I rolled into the waiting room at 8:30 pm, I was the last rocket ship ride for the day.

I've had one of these before so I knew what to expect...remove all metals, don't move, and don’t breathe if you can help it. I filled out the paper work etc and after waiting about 10 minutes this little dude comes in the room to take me back--a short 'wittle' guy who looked either tired or just "not ...all... there." He goes through the "put this robe on, lock your valuables in here, and follow me to the magnetic room yadda yadda spiel." Yet, he never said, "got any metal in ya'? On ya?"

Last time I had an MRI I was told to remove my bra, regardless of the fact it was an MRI for my ankle. I have no problem with this, so much so that this time I took it off anyway, for good measure, even though he never mentioned it. I also recall being asked a few years ago the "got metal?" question repeatedly and annoyingly to the effect that I wanted to ask, "do YOU have any metal? Nose ring? Fun ring? Are you wearing a bra?"

After I walk across the hall to the magic room, it isn't too long before DD (Dopey Dude) has me positioned on the table where he immediately clamped my left knee with the brace to hold it in place. All the while I was still thinking ,"wow, the last time in Florida they really asked more questions like, "are you sure you don't have any metal on you? In you?" "Is this the correct leg?" "Shrapnel from combat?" etc...He did none of these things. Even then I didn't say anything because I knew this and it was the correct knee so I just let it go.

After I'm all clamped in and even have the nifty goggles on to watch TV, DD was about to walk to the magic booth, he stops, as if just remembering he left the stove on eight hours ago, and says, "Oh... which knee is hurting you?"

Oh yeah.

He then enters the booth and turns the machine on and I glide on the table into the groove tunnel. Although the noise was too loud to hear the TV I somehow was able to fall asleep.

Thirty five minutes later, it's over and I glide back out; DD comes in and without skipping a beat he asks, "You didn't have any metal on right?"

"Is there a problem?" I ask.

"No, I was just checking," he casually says, but I can tell he had an 'oops, I forgot to ask' moment and was trying to make up for it in the end, as if asking after the fact canceled out the stupidity. It didn't.

Oh yeah. This is the dude who was the star of the Safety and Radiology Training video of what not to do. Apparently, that night was a follow up shoot and they forgot to ask me to sign an acting release.

I relayed my story to my doctor a week later. Her eyes got really big and she was quite appalled. I'm sure she reported it. I'm sure he was reprimanded. I'm sure the next time I walk into that magic room I will be wearing nothing but ear plugs and a checklist tattoo that reads: “Which knee is it? Got metal?”

Monday, December 20, 2010

Mama found a new bag

I'm hooked to this blog called 2birds1blog.
I read a few posts this morning and was "semi" into it...but after reading this particular post about awkwardness, I'm totally hooked. I drank their KoolAid.

Dorothy Parker - Women: A Hate Song

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Here Comes Shaka Claus

It's strange not to at least go through one to four "freezes" during the Holiday season.

Even stranger to see Santa's tanned legs.

Granted Florida, where I lived most of my life, isn't the snow capital of the world...but we could at least count on an orange or two becoming collateral damage from a cold blast every now and then.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Hello Kitty

I wonder if my dog is starting to hate me. I've been calling her kitten when I come into the house from work, running, etc....saying, "Hello Kitten!"....I swear this morning when I came in from working out she gave me a dirty look. Apparently, Audrey doesn't like my wit.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I absolutely love David Sedaris

I want to be David Sedaris when I grow up. This is a video of him speaking at a college graduation. I believe it should be a running theme to have American humorists speak at college graduations instead of politicians and the like. It is better to hear the "truth" about what the last four years has really gotten you.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Kindle Wireless Reading Device, Wi-Fi, Graphite, 6" Display with New E Ink Pearl Technology

Raquel (Tigger) is making me (Eyeore) do this...blame her.

(updated Dec 29, 2010...)
It's all Raquel's fault. She has been trying to get me to start a blog for years...apparently there's gold in my thought process; I'm inclined to think my thoughts aren't gold, but perhaps golden-spray painted poker chips (like poker chips, my thoughts intermittently feel like winners and losers depending on what I'm thinking about or whose 'hand' I'm holding at the time).

I've been racking my brain trying to come up with a first post. Raquel suggested I just use some of the emails I send her way as material. I'm more inclined to have her collect all the emails I have sent her over the past 10 years so I could just reuse them--the equivalent of re-gifting a spice rack, spice jars included. All that's worth keeping is the jar of curry (the most interesting and intriguing of all the spices)... meaning, I may be keeping the more intriguing posts off this blog, or at the very least, just keeping the best ones for later use like a bottle of curry one would use to revive last night's rice dish.

(written in the Summer of 2007 after waking up from a strange dream ...sent back to me in Nov 2010 along with the instructions:USE THIS IN A BLOG!!! DO IT NOW!!)

The superior quality coins

I just woke up from having a symbolic dream about walking through my childhood neighborhood and finding icebergs and a waterfall where there once lived a lake. Strange. I think moving water signifies emotional change and a letting go of some sort (the waterfall) which, given my state of mind and thereunto topics during such time, makes total sense.

And, I believe the iceberg represents the ice cubes that fell out of my glass of whiskey when I fell asleep.

Kidding. It was scotch. There's a difference...dammit.

So when I woke up, I realized that I had turned the TV off in my sleep (I believe I probably turned it off during the waterfall segment of my know, change your life, turn the damn TV off). Once I realized that my "background noise/pacifier" was off, I turned the TV back on and the first thing I heard was, "You wont be getting the inferior quality coins, but of course, we are sending you the superior quality coins."

Life is thus reduced to an infomercial. How appropriate:

"You won't be eating the good chocolate today, but of course, this carob pie is much better for you. The 'but of course' transition from one alternative to the other is akin to choosing a mate.

"You won't be getting the person that could make you happy one moment, and totally miserable the next, but of course, in time you will getting the person who makes you feel normal. Which for you Michelle--because the TV talks to you---will be a miracle because in fact you are not normal because you are trying to use a cheesy arse line from an infomercial as a metaphor. Weirdo."

The interesting angle about all of this: one could argue which part of the above is "superior" or "inferior." I suppose passion and normality are all subjective, and true happiness is getting what you emotionally need. Unfortunately, some people need the oscillation to be truly happy. Now, I'm not quite sure where I fit into that equation, but I am inclined to reject both "coins" and go for the dollar bill because I'm guessing that true happiness is found with all the coins, which inevitably can be exchanged for a dollar bill.
Think about it. It's deep. I promise.

Kidding about the scotch by the way. It was KoolAid. It's one thing to drink someone else's "KoolAid"...but a whole 'notha deal to drink your own, which is exactly why I'm starting this blog.